Hello everyone, how are you all today? I hope better then I am.
There is just so much that's really been pushing my buttons lately I would say exactly the emotion that I feel but I cant even pin point it at all. Sorry? My boyfriend has just really been bothering me. What he does.. and how he works.. its just to much for me to handle. Personally I am the type that likes to plan things. Everything down to my money, how I am getting it, payments, bills, my web shop, when I am hanging out with someone. Pretty much my whole life is planned out to a "T" haha. And his? Well.. its not even close. He is SO laid back. He don't worry about anything. Like, call me crazy or something but he was supposed to be sending me something for Christmas but now there is a problem sending it to me. He spent the only money he had on this dumb ass game "Magic The Gathering" its a card game. And on gas and food. Not to mention he had the day off of work yesterday when normally he works every weekday. Now the only job that I have is my shop. But, all the money I get from that goes back into the shop. So there is no extra money to pay for my bills or anything.. so he does. But, Christmas is pretty important.. to me that is. I have his Christmas gift done.. and I dont have the money to spare either. I'm a little bit of a saver. So if things really do go wrong.. or a lets say "rainy day" does happen.. then I have kinda like a back up. He.. dose NOT have any kind of back up what so ever.
Now his grandma was offering to give him 7k.. so he says to have him move here or to get a new car. But, he tells her no. You know what I would have done with that? I would have saved it for a later time. Just because I am not willing to move out now. Mainly because I am not sure about this relationship and where it is going. He lives in PA and I live in MI so its a little ways away from each other. Almost every day I think to myself.. "maybe this is a waste of time".. or there's like... "Anna.. what are you doing?" and truth be told. I really dont know any more. Its hard for me to say that I am in love with someone because I never really have been before. The one thing that I can say is that love is a undefinable thing. Its the strangest, oddest, funniest of feelings that has no real definable meaning. Its something that you just feel deep inside you. But, every time I get this amazing and wonderful feeling in my heart. Almost like it is a full feeling.. like I am not missing anything. Like my puzzle is finished. I get all pissed and "flip the table" on it. Just throw my hands up and say fuck it.
Does he feel what I feel? He can sit there and tell me yes.. and tell me that he loves me. But, if someone loves you they will say it at random. They wont expect you to say it back all the time. They will take you as you are. Because that is who they are with. That is who they love.. they love you. So they say. But, what happens when the significant other does not feel that back? Well to me the best thing to do is to let them know how you feel. And that's what he wants. When I do that.. he flips his shit and tell me how its my fault. Normally he would not even want me to post this on the internet because nothing about this is really good about him. Actually nothing about this post is good at all.
But, truth be told we do have the best most amazing fun times. Lets say so to speak he did take me as I am.. then all of my feels that I feel right now would be my fault.. and they would be a lie. There not tho. Personally as many times as he tells me how he feels. His actions are different. And its just TO MUCH for me to take. I am not sure how much longer I am going to hold on to this. Just feels like its not right. Like he is lieing to me. Like he is.. treating me like a fool. So what if he is helping me with my bills. Its helping me. So how is keeping our relationship a total secret to the world? And not being able to tell me your true feelings around your friends and co workers. But, you can call me at work while your working and keep telling me to hold on? How about you shove that petty shit up your ass. If I am talking to you on the phone and I am around my friends, family member's workers, and strangers.. I DONT CARE! I will speak to you like I normally would because I am not hiding a damn thing. If I want to say I love you and I am around my parents, aunts, uncles, friends, out at the store. I will say it if I want to! As long as I feel it.. I dont give a shit what no one else thinks. But just because you say you love someone doesn't mean you will forever. I realize that. But, he doesn't Well.. I don't think so anyways.
Life is NOT a huge box of amazing Lindor chocolates. Its more of a random mixed assorted box of chocolates. Sometimes you get ones you don't like.. and would never even eat. So you pass it to someone you would like. Or throw it away. In my case it would sit on the kitchen table forever until someone comes over and eats it haha. Maybe its time for me to leave this one on the table for a little while. And if he cant give me my space. Learn to give me my space for some time to calm down and relax of the problem before I snap again. I might have to cut the line.
I am seriously sorry for having such a long rambled post about my relationship. Just needed to get most of this off my chest. And this was the best way to do so!
There will be more. No worries haha.
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